Apodaca: In the 21st century, grandparenting isn’t like it used to be

There’s a llama in my laundry room. And why not?

Nine months into my first grandparent gig, I’m still in that phase when I’m constantly amazed by the awesomeness of the whole deal, which apparently includes stuffed animals turning up in unexpected places. A giant plush llama standing sentry atop the washing machine should be no surprise.

As a recently initiated member of one of the largest clubs on Earth, I am still learning and figuring out how I fit in amid the toys, sleeping and eating regimen, and abundant playtime. So far I can state this much with absolute certainty: Being a grandparent is every bit as rewarding and life-altering as I was led to believe.

My aging back hurts from all the lifting, bouncing and crawling on all fours, but I don’t mind. I wouldn’t relinquish my membership card for the world. As I gaze at my granddaughter asleep in my arms or watch her sweet face light up in smiles my heart fills to bursting with pure, perfect love.

Yet I am also keenly aware that the very notion of grandparenthood — how we should or should not contribute to our grandchildren’s upbringing, and who even qualifies as a grandparent — is evolving. The stereotype of gray-haired old folks sitting on a porch swing dispensing bromides is outdated and possibly never resembled reality anyway.

Either way, we are not our grandparents’ grandparents.

For one, today’s grandparents tend to consider themselves more youthful. Not younger, mind you, because the average age of first-time grandparents has grown steadily older, but more active. All those Pilates classes and gym workouts are not for nothing.

Modern grand-folks also resist fitting into a particular mold. As attitudes about what constitutes a family evolve and society becomes more open to varying lifestyles, ideas about what a grandparent should look or act like is changing too. Grandma or Grandpa might be single or gay, multiracial or multicultural. Modern life is complex; the expanding vision of today’s grandparent reflects that.

While I negotiate my new role and how best to contribute to my granddaughter’s upbringing, I’ve been reading a lot about how to be an effective grandparent. I’ve found that a few key themes stand out.

The first I summarize thusly: Don’t be so darn judgy.

Young parents might not do everything the way we oldies did, but that’s OK. More than OK, since there is now far more knowledge about child safety and development, and there are reams of additional research demonstrating the value of certain parenting techniques and philosophies.

That doesn’t stop the algorithms that keep sending me videos and memes of exasperated grandparents who don’t understand and even mock young parents.

I must admit I had a laugh at one grandmother who just didn’t get her daughter’s “gentle parenting” style. Regardless, I firmly believe that we should trust our kids’ childrearing decisions, and admit that when we were in a similar position we were kind of making it up as we went along anyway.

That’s why I’m doing my best to show my son and daughter-in-law the respect they deserve, and not behave as if I know everything, because I most certainly do not. When I help out, I try not to make assumptions and instead ask questions of the “How do you want me to do this?” and “What’s the best way to do that?” variety.

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And the happy truth that has been revealed to me is that they are brilliant parents —endlessly loving, patient and thoughtful, consulting expert input when appropriate while also adhering to their own sound principles and common sense. Watching my baby boy as a father is a joy to behold, and I feel ridiculously lucky that I get to ride along during this remarkable phase of his life.

Here’s the other general category of advice that I have taken to heart: Don’t make it a competition.

We humans are competitive by nature. But when it comes to raising children, that instinct can turn toxic.

We’ve all seen it. Grandparents who see other relatives as rivals, sometimes to the point of not-so-subtly denigrating them, or attempting to win the affection contest by lavishing the grandkids with gifts and favors. There’s plenty of love to go around.

Or those who chatter incessantly about the accomplishments of their talented-beyond-measure grandchildren. There’s nothing wrong with being proud grandparents, but we should be wary of crossing a line into thinking our grandchildren are exceptional creatures destined only for greatness.

My son sometimes kids me when I lavish my granddaughter with praise, telling me to keep a lid on expectations. I chuckle, but I also know that he’s right. I shouldn’t burden her with my unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

My granddaughter will be her own person, with her own goals to pursue, and that’s a beautiful thing. It doesn’t mean she won’t stumble at times, or that the world won’t sometimes be harsh. That’s another trap I hope to avoid — believing that if I just love her hard enough she’ll sail through life unimpeded.

It’s all about balance and perspective, I suppose. Right now, it’s pretty simple — high chairs and sleepy time, and watching her crawl further and faster. Soon she’ll walk, and her adorable babbling will become fully formed sentences. Then she’ll be off and running.

I plan to be around to see where she goes. Me and a big stuffed llama.