Candidates’ Batteries Not Included

Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Candidates: Ever since Dan Quayle bailed out of the presidential race, we’ve been praying that something else would come along to keep the election entertaining.

Last week, our petitions were answered. A package arrived containing two battery-powered Tuff Talkin’ Wrestler dolls. When switched on, the foot-high plastic action figures hurl assorted verbal taunts at each other and howl in pain when engaged in mock combat.

The computerized figures are modeled after real pro wrestlers and have a vocabulary of about 100 phrases apiece. “I’m the Stinger, and I’ll sting ya!” snarls one, his lips moving like a tiny ventriloquist’s dummy. “I’ll beat you with my scorpion death drop.”

His opponent replies: “Sting, my mother hits harder than that,” or “I’ll take your head off with this clothesline!”

Naturally, we think this concept is too good to waste on children. We propose creating Tuff Talkin’ Politicians to replace the presidential candidates at all public appearances. Each doll would be programmed with 100 sound bites, such as “Sting, my mother has a better tax-cut plan than that!”

The figures would also adopt wacky wrestling personas. For example, George W. Bush would become the Bushwhacker, a compassionate conservative who fries his opponents in a tiny electric chair and growls, “Got coke?”

However, when confronted by reporters, he would only admit to unspecified “youthful mistakes.” If pressed further, he would eventually acknowledge “a couple of overdue library books” and liking the show “Joanie Loves Chachi.”

Other candidates in the Tuff Talkin’ Politicians series include:

* Al Gore (a.k.a. Tin Man): Has no moving parts. Secret weapon: Hypnotic, dull voice lulls opponents into irreversible coma. Warning: Do not listen to this doll while operating heavy machinery. The Gore figure also brags about its various inventions, including the Internet, a vaccine for polio, electricity and the phrase “Gettin’ jiggy with it.”

* Pat Buchanan (a.k.a. the Buchaninator): Speaks only in German. Plans to invade Poland.

* Gary Bauer (Tower of Bauer): Spends all his time behind closed doors with Barbie, then calls press conference to deny rumors of an affair.

* Elizabeth Dole (White Oprah): Production suspended. Secret weapon: bulletproof kryptonite hairdo.

* Steve Forbes (Dr. Moneybags): Instead of actually wrestling opponents, broadcasts attack ads from ringside.

* Donald Trump (Mr. Toupee From Hell): Pull down Trump’s raised arm and his eyes spin like an Atlantic City slot machine. Figurine also has patented “realistic ego” feature. When activated, doll’s head inflates to size of beach ball.

* John McCain (McPain): During flashbacks, insists on having his running mate be imaginary friend that he shared cell with in Hanoi.

* Bill Bradley (the Knickerbocker): Promises to pay for overpriced health-care plan by replacing U.S. military with five-man zone defense led by Elgin Baylor.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “St. Louis Woman Lays Giant Eggs--and Actually Hatches Three Babies!” (Weekly World News)

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