idid trfcshl nakid

Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV*

LIKEOK, GOHEDD: ASKKME ABOUT PARALEL

PARKNG. IMEENIT. BTRYET, ASKMEENETHNG BOUT

DRIVIN. PERIOD.

*

IZZIT LEGIL 2B SKREEMN, “OTAMIWY” LYKANUT

ANND GOIN “AOOOOGA AOOGAH” JS4PHUN?

KAN IPASSU ONDA RRITE? WAT2DU ABOUT ABAAD,

NXPECTD RDHZZRD?

*

INOITAL BCAUZ IDID JUST RDTHBUK CALLED “DA

CAL4NYA DRIVAS MANNUEL.”IHADD2. NOTT 4DA

1STIME, IWENT TTO TRAFICK SKL.

*

W8A2ND. DATZ NOTRGHT. IDIDNOT ACTUALY

GO2 TRFKSKL. NTREELY. ISTAY HOMEUND

IDOIDO TRFFIC SCHOOL ONNLINE.

*

YESITIS PNTLS PNSHMNT. ITTZ TEDIUM SQUARED. BUT

COMPAIR TTU THEOTHRTIMEZ, IDO KINDA LYKIT.

1TIME IENDUR TS ALLDAY SUMWARE NEARBY

FAIRFAX. HALFA ZTYME DEETCHRSPEEKS IN

RUSSIAN. AHAH, SAYSI, NOWINO HOWE IT FEELS

2BEE LOCKDUP NDAGULLIG.

*

ANOTHER TIME IGO2 KOMEDEE TRFSC. ITZ FUNI.

BUTT NTFNNY ENUFFF.

*

WTA RELEIF 2GETIT DUNN SOEZ CHEZMOI ON

MYMAC. IDIDIT OVER 3DAZE INNNSMALL CHUNKZ

WHENEVR ICOULD. ANDI DIDNOT MISSS ZEE

SNS8SHN OF BEINGSTUCKE INDA 7TH GRADE

WITH THE BDBOYZZ AND BDGIRLZ.

*

SOOON WEWILLE DOITALL ONLINE. BUYACAR.

FALNLUV. GO2TMPL. IWILLE NOTHAVEA REASON

2LEEF HOME. EVR.

*

MEBBE IOTT2 PAINT.

*For translation, please see Page 32.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

I Did Traffic School Naked

Like OK, go ahead: ask me about parallel parking. I mean it. Better yet, ask me anything about driving. Period.

Is it legal to be screaming “outta my way” like a nut and going “aooga aooga” just for fun? Can I pass you on the right? What to do about a bad, unexpected road hazard?

I know it all because I did just read the book called “The California Drivers Manual.” I had to. Not for the first time, I went to traffic school.

Wait a second. That’s not right. I did not actually go to traffic school. Not really. I stay home and I do traffic school online.

Yes, it is pointless punishment. It’s tedium squared. But compared to the other times, I do kind of like it.

One time I endure t.s. all day somewhere nearby Fairfax. Half of the time the teacher speaks in Russian. Aha, says I, now I know how it feels to be locked up in the gulag.

Another time I go to comedy traffic school. It’s funny. But not funny enough.

What a relief to get it done so easy chez moi on my Mac. I did it over three days in small chunks whenever I could. And I did not miss the sensation of being stuck in the 7th grade with the bad boys and bad girls.

Soon we will do it all online. Buy a car. Fall in love. Go to temple. I will not have a reason to leave home. Ever.

Maybe I ought to paint.