Punch Lines

They’re Back in Their Trucks: “Brown shirts haven’t been welcomed like this since the Nazis took Austria.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Modern Education: West Virginia University has been ranked the nation’s top party school by the Princeton Review. “It’s the only college in the country offering a PhD in bartending,” observes Bob Mills.

* “They’ve gone a little overboard. They have signs up in fraternity houses that say, ‘This Is a School-Free Drug Zone.’ ” (Jim Shaughnessy)

* “Stanford was ranked right up there, but under a sudden and strange executive order, federal troops came in and locked up all the fraternity members.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* Caltech was named the most sober school in the U.S. in the same survey. “They march to the beat of a different drummer at Caltech,” says Kenny Noble Cortes. “Every Monday, for instance, students shout TGIM!”

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History Corner: Wednesday marked the anniversary of the date in 1882 when Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture was first played. “He composed that to be performed with the accompaniment of artillery, making him the world’s very first rap artist.” (Jay Leno)

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Annals of Crime: “The Dallas Cowboys trashed a college dormitory on their last night of training camp,” says the Daily Scoop. “Those Cowboys. Their football cards come with police hotline numbers.”

* The Cowboys owe St. Edward’s University thousands of dollars for damages. “Well, you can’t blame them,” says Leno. “They’re not used to staying in rooms that don’t have bars on the windows.”

A Missouri man was arrested for carrying 18 pipe bombs, detonating devices, batteries, black powder and a clock in his car. “He was working on an alarm clock,” says Jerry Perisho. “It would not only wake you up, but would send you to work at the same time.”

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The Prez: “President Clinton went for his first jog since his knee injury. There was no noticeable limp, but many Democrats thought he was leaning a little to the right.” (Kaseberg)

* “They celebrated the president’s birthday with all the notables from Cape Cod. To be polite, they served lobster because they didn’t want Michael Kennedy’s date to be the only one wearing a bib.” (Bill Maher)

* “The president went sailing with Teddy Kennedy on Wednesday,” says Argus Hamilton. “You won’t hear a peep out of JFK Jr. If Michael and Joseph Kennedy are ‘the poster boys of bad behavior,’ these two are ‘the billboard boys.’ ”

Los Angeles reader Alesha Reed was driving on a crowded downtown freeway with her 3-year-old twins, Adam and Andre. Adam was surprised at the bumper-to-bumper traffic, and told his mother:

“Mommy, get off this freeway. It’s broken.”