UNCOVERING THE OSCARS

And the winner for Best Actor in a Leading Role is . . . hey, wait a minute.

Excuse me, we have a short announcement to make before we honor a certain male with this prestigious award.

“We regret to inform Mr. James Woods, nominated for his Oscar-winning performance in ‘Salvador,’ that he will not be the deserving recipient of tonight’s award. Paul Newman will be given the praise, due to the fact that he did not win six previous nominations in which other actors proved themselves to have superior ability that particular year.”

Numerous critics, including myself, are quite assured that if the academy had based its decisions on ability rather than sympathy, Woods would have a new bookend in the form of an Oscar.

“So, we are sorry James, for not only failing to present you this deserving honor, but for making much of our public lose what little respect was left for this overrated event.”

HEIDI GERSTENFELD

Studio City